Thursday, August 28, 2008
The 10 Worst People You Meet At A House Party
1. The “Inappropriate Music Guy”- This guy can take one of two forms, if there is a DJ he is the jackass requesting “November Rain” in the middle of a dance set. If the DJ doesn’t comply he tends to get whiny as hell, and say things like “Come on man, nobody likes this crap, just play something good” and proceeds to point to a full dance floor. If the DJ does agree, he sits around glaring at the DJ every time the song switches to see if it’s “his song.” When his song finally hits he gets a big goofy grin on his face and bobs his head, sometimes giving the thumbs up. His song also always results in the dance floor completely clearing.
The other form is if the party does not have a DJ this person will saunter his way over to the stereo (usually an Ipod at this point), and very slyly add his own playlist. A playlist of such party classics as “Knights in White Satin” and a random Velvet Underground B-side. If anyone criticizes his picks, or doesn’t recognize one, he gets elite. “I can’t believe you haven’t heard this song, its on King Crimson’s Unreleased basement tapes!” Seriously? You really just can’t believe I haven’t heard this song? Fuck off Inappropriate Music Guy.
2. The “I Need a Specific Drug Guy”- This guy is always looking for a drug, the party just isn’t a party without one. Usually he just wants weed, and if he finds it, he just sits there, gets high, and does nothing the rest of the night. Sometimes it’s not weed though, he wants something like Extacy (because he couldn’t possibly have sex without it), or every party usually has one guy looking for coke. You can tell if he found it because his eyelids are stapled to his forehead the rest of the night, and everything he says has 17 extra words said at 700 miles per hour.
Notice this person never has the drug they want on them, but has no problem asking everyone around for some. They also get very offended if someone who they barely know won’t give them free drugs, often retorting with the scathing “Dude, why are you being a dick?” He’s the same person trying to get a keg cup without paying.
3. The “This Party is Nothing Compared To…”/ “Story Topper” guy- This guy has been too all the best parties, with way more fun people, hotter girls, more drugs, better music, a bigger ice luge, a live dancing polar bear, a dedicated fellatio room, etc. These parties are never local. They are “when he was home” or “visiting friends in west bumblefuck.” You guys don’t party nearly as hard as those kids do. This party is ok, but it just doesn’t compare. Rarely does this person have a very specific story from that party, thats usually covered with a “I was so hammered I barely remember it.”
This guys alternate role at a party is that of the always fun to be around “story topper.” If you have done something he has done it twice; if you have seen a band, he smoked with them on their bus; if your best friend has cancer, his died in a plane crash on the way to a treatment center on his mothers fucking birthday. The best way to handle this guy is too see how ridiculous of a story you can get him to tell. Talk about the time you were attacked by a heard of gorillas on PCP in Antarctica. See where he goes from there.
4. The “Watch How Much I can Drink Guy”- This guy can drink SO MUCH. Just watch! He’s already had 14 shots tonight before he even got to the party. Which is why he’s not pounding more at this very second. In fact you haven’t seen him drink anything in four hours, but trust him, he has been drinking SO much. When you weren’t looking he says he finished two pints of tequila, on top of the 11 beers and 14 shots from before. He can drink more then you, and anyone else at the party. If anyone challenges his claims, his response is usually along the lines of “Anytime man, but not tonight, I already had a ton of booze.” If this person actually drinks anything at the party, you will know because they will be the person lying in their own vomit.
5. The “Inappropriately Dressed Girl”- It doesn’t matter the occasion or the climate. If it’s twenty degrees she’s in a skirt and tube top, if it’s summer she’s got on Ug boots and a bubble jacket. These girls usually move in packs, three of them will walk in at once, dressed for June in Miami, when its fucking January in Boston. They then tend to act as if they don’t know they are dressed inappropriately, and get looks on their face like “Why is everyone staring?” As if that wasn’t the point. If you want a good shot at getting laid, talk to one of them. Be careful, because these girls are not usually as attractive as they seem at first. Most of them are between 5-7 on the scale. However the fact that they stand out in a room full of people dressed reasonably, makes them look hotter, especially if its absolute zero outside, and they’re in a skirt. Oh, and use a condom, you’ll thank me later.
6. The Crying Girl- She appears later in the evening after a seemingly normal girl gets drunk. Sort of the female version of the drunk “I love you man” guy (however he doesn’t make the list, because he not the worst, so much as just slightly aggravating, just tell him you love him too, give him a hug and move on). This girl is crying. She’s not sure why, and she promises she’s “not usually like this.” Maybe it’s that she saw her ex-boyfriend a month ago wearing a Rush t-shirt with his new girl, and there was a rush for the jello shots at the party, and it reminded her of him, and blah blah blah… Don’t try to comfort her, everything you say is gonna come out wrong. Just leave her in the corner, she’ll stop at some point, and nine times outta ten there is someone at the party who gets caught in her emotional web. Let them handle it.
7. The Stumbling Mess- This person is just a hammered mess, incoherently ranting to you about something, or just doing their best impression of someone who can actually walk. Usually the same person at every party, every group of friends has that person who just cannot handle their liquor, or if they can have NO concept of their limits. It can be a guy or girl, sometimes if you’re really lucky it’s one of each and they have found each other. Usually at that point they start dancing horribly and running into shit. The best thing you can do with these people is just let them pass out, or if you are really evil give them shots till they throw up in the bathroom and call it a night so you don’t have to deal with them anymore. In certain situations this can be the most flat out aggravating person at the party, because their is no ability to reason with them. If you get any speech out of them at all it’s basically a slurred “Why are you getting mad man, I’m just having fun.” This being after the third time he’s thrown an elbow into the back of your head while he “dances.”
8. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde- Goes from cool person at the beginning of the night, who you can have a decent conversation with. However once they get drunk, it’s FIGHTING TIME. Everyone is looking at them, everyone is starting with them. It can be hard to spot this person, because they were chill at first. However they may possess are a few key signs…
1. Does he look like he left the gym, didn’t change, and came right to the party?
2. Does he have a basic tribal tattoo or barbed wire?
3. Did he find the coke he was looking for?
If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, be aware. Not scared, just aware, because most of these guys like to yell and maybe even push, but can’t actually handle themselves worth a shit. Still, remember, fights ruin parties, so just tell him you saw some guy out in the hall talking shit about him, and when he leaves lock the door.
9. The Politcal Drunk- Almost inevitably in college with little or no political background. Rarely actually a government or politics major, might be a white guy with dreadlocks, or a Che’ Guevara shirt, or more likely both . This person knows how to fix everything, if we just adopted Zaire’s economic structure, with Canada’s health plan, and Slovakia’s school systems we would be so much better off. They never have specific examples, just vague ideas. They feel like they are breaking shocking news when they tell you Bush isn’t a very good president. Did you know he has married big business and government? Because they do! Not only do they know these things, they think the party atmosphere is a wonderful setting for their rants. I don’t suggest getting involved with these discussions, however tempting to call the person on their bullshit it might be. This person on some nights also plays the part of religious topic drunk.
10. The Vulture- This guy is the worst for a simple reason, you actually want to hit him when you see him in action. The rest of the people on this list you can ignore, and if your drunk enough even converse with. They aren’t bad people, just shitty drunks. This guy sucks, he walks into a party, nobody ever quite knows how he knows about the party or who he’s there with. At the very least he makes an awkward drunken pass at the party hosts girlfriend or visiting sister. When he’s caught he acts innocent, and pretends he is deeply offended by your accusations. You can then spot him by his mid-party tactics of trying to comfort the Crying Girl (so he can get laid), or hit on the Inappropriately Dressed Girl. As he gets drunker, his tactics get worse, and by the end of the night you can usually see him curled up on a couch with a passed out girl trying to maneuver his hand down her shirt. This guy tends to have had his ass kicked more then anyone else in history.
hahah Hope you enjoyed that... I did